October 26, 2013

House Republicans Vote To Replace Minimum Wage With Mandatory Employment

CAPITOL HILL — In an unexpected early morning session, House Republicans passed a bill on a party-line vote that will abolish the minimum wage and replace it with what GOP leaders are officially calling Requisite Recruitment. The bill makes employment mandatory for all adult citizens aged 18 to 65. And a provision in the bill calls for compulsory employment beyond retirement age when deemed necessary by an oversight committee, which will also be responsible for suggesting the penalties for non-compliance.

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October 24, 2013

GOP To Test New Obamacare Repeal Strategy

CAPITOL HILL — After a failed attempt to defund or repeal Obamacare with a government shutdown, and after over forty symbolic repeal votes in the House, Republicans are signaling a tonal shift. With public approval of the Republican Party at historic lows, GOP leaders will roll out a brand new Obamacare repeal strategy they believe Americans will find more amiable. Instead of another plan to hold the country hostage, Republican lawmakers will instead hold their breath, and some may also stomp their feet, and they will not give up until President Obama finally indicates a willingness to be reasonable and work with Republicans to dismantle his signature legislative achievement. But behind closed doors, some reluctant Republicans admit this new strategy is not without risk.

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October 24, 2013

Dear Liberals, Regarding The Affordable Care Act

Dear liberals and Democrats, I have a short message regarding the Affordable Care Act followed by a tiny request. Actually, this message is specifically concerning all the problems people are having when trying to logon to the new federal health care exchange website (HealthCare.gov). And I can already sense you turning on me at this very moment, but please, stick around for just a few more moments.

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October 23, 2013

House Speaker John Boehner Mysteriously Begins Prefacing Everything He Says With ‘The American People’

WASHINGTON — In a bizarre turn of events after the recent Republican-led government shut down, House Speaker John Boehner has curiously begun prefacing every complete thought with the phrase “The American people.” During a closed-door breakfast meeting with high-ranking Republican officials, an anonymous source confirmed to The Left Call that at one point during the meeting the Speaker started mumbling incoherently before weeping uncontrollably into his Corn Flakes. “Everything was perfectly normal when all of a sudden the Speaker produced a gavel, banged it on the table, and started talking quietly to himself,” said the anonymous source. “I couldn’t make out what he was saying, I’m not sure if it was even English. Then the room got really quiet, and before we could get a grip on what was happening he started crying over his bowl of cereal.”

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October 19, 2013

Ideology And Wasted Taxpayer Dollars Stand In The Way Of Same-Sex Marriage In All 50 States

Remember when the Supreme Court ruled the Defense Of Marriage Act (DOMA) unconstitutional? That happened only 4 months ago, so it’s no surprise that state-level bans on same-sex marriage are still standing, waiting to be challenged in the courts. But let’s make one thing very clear, every Republican-led state that chooses to defend their same-sex marriage ban in court will do so with taxpayer dollars. If a federal ban on same-sex marriage is unconstitutional there’s pretty much zero chance state-level bans are not. So that means every time so-called “fiscal conservative” Republicans defend the indefensible they are wasting taxpayer dollars.

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October 16, 2013

Government Shutdown: The Ridiculous Republican Spectacle Is Over, For Now, We Hope

Of course, until the House votes on it, you really can’t say anything is over. But it appears the ridiculous Republican spectacle, which shut down the government and brought the United States within hours of default, will finally end tonight. The Senate is voting right now, the House is supposed to vote later this evening. And what did Republicans get for shutting down the government? Nothing. Well, other than a ding to their poll numbers.

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October 10, 2013

Republican Cowards Can’t Even Own Their Shutdown

If you are going to shut down the government, the very least you can do is be honest about it by owning it. Republicans tell us they are doing this because they must take a stand to end the destructive Obamacare. But then Republicans tell us they really aren’t doing anything. They aren’t responsible for the shutdown, its President Obama who is responsible. Wait, what?

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