House Republicans Vote To Replace Minimum Wage With Mandatory Employment

CAPITOL HILL — In an unexpected early morning session, House Republicans passed a bill on a party-line vote that will abolish the minimum wage and replace it with what GOP leaders are officially calling Requisite Recruitment. The bill makes employment mandatory for all adult citizens aged 18 to 65. And a provision in the bill calls for compulsory employment beyond retirement age when deemed necessary by an oversight committee, which will also be responsible for suggesting the penalties for non-compliance.

The committee, which Democrats on the Hill are calling an “enslavement panel,” will be occupied by some of the brightest minds in the corporate world. There’s no official word yet, but speculation has run wild with names like Charles and David Koch, Donald Trump, and even the eccentric runaway fugitive John McAfee. Mr. McAfee was recently in the news when a Republican-led House Committee asked the McAfee, Inc. founder to come to Washington to oversee repairs to HealthCare.gov, the Obamacare insurance exchange website.

Before passage of the bill, Minnesota Representative Michele Bachmann (R) recited word-for-word her previous remarks on minimum wage during a 2005 testimony in front of the Minnesota Senate. “Literally, if we took away the minimum wage — if conceivably it was gone — we could potentially virtually wipe out unemployment completely because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level,” said Bachmann. After the bill passed, Bachmann added, “The House took a bold step today, sending us on the path to full employment. We have put an end to the terrible pain inflicted when wages cut into profits. I call on the Senate to follow the House’s lead and for President Obama to sign this bill into law.”

But Democratic leaders in Washington are crying foul. “This despicable Republican bill is a recipe for oligarchic rule,” said Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY). “It’s indentured servitude, and a repeat of a sad chapter in American history.”

At the time of publishing, nobody from the corporate world would go on the record, but anonymous sources indicate that business leaders are ecstatic at the prospect of gaining new workers without the burden of compensation.

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