October 23, 2013 by Raff "The Inkslinger" Hetzron
House Speaker John Boehner Mysteriously Begins Prefacing Everything He Says With ‘The American People’
WASHINGTON — In a bizarre turn of events after the recent Republican-led government shut down, House Speaker John Boehner has curiously begun prefacing every complete thought with the phrase “The American people.” During a closed-door breakfast meeting with high-ranking Republican officials, an anonymous source confirmed to The Left Call that at one point during the meeting the Speaker started mumbling incoherently before weeping uncontrollably into his Corn Flakes. “Everything was perfectly normal when all of a sudden the Speaker produced a gavel, banged it on the table, and started talking quietly to himself,” said the anonymous source. “I couldn’t make out what he was saying, I’m not sure if it was even English. Then the room got really quiet, and before we could get a grip on what was happening he started crying over his bowl of cereal.”
The Speaker remained in a semi-inconsolable state for the next fifteen minutes before appearing to collect himself, standing up before the stunned room, and began to deliver a speech. The speech started lucid enough before veering off into a confused and eccentric screed. Unfortunately there were no recording devices present, but the anonymous source verifies the following excerpts from the Speaker’s impromptu speech.
“The American people demand teachers that can teach all subjects. If students are expected to learn all subjects, then God damn it, that’s the least we should expect of our educators.”
“The American people want their government to conduct business openly, so starting today I’m setting up my office on the 5th floor of scaffolding covering the East side of the Washington Monument, and I propose you do the same. I’ll have a good view of the Capitol Building, work to perfect my orange tan, get some much-needed fresh air, and I’ll be within shouting distance, so the American people can voice their concerns in realtime. Although it may get a bit chilly in the coming months, so that’s why I’ve left just enough room in the congressional budget to purchase Snuggies for all.”
“The American people want politicians to act responsibly, so I propose we appoint a designated decoy who can distract the public just long enough to get past this sobriety checkpoint.”
“The American people demand that their fake butter is believable. I know I can’t believe it’s not butter, but that fake butter needs to get serious if we are going to solve our deficit problems.”
After abruptly ending his speech to recite the Surgeon General’s warning on his pack Camel Extra Lights, Speaker Boehner was taken to a nearby hospital for observation.
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