Real Time with Bill Maher: Highlights from Episode 261, October 5, 2012

Highlights from Real Time with Bill Maher
Episode 261, October 5, 2012

Guests: Kerry Washington — Actress, Frank Luntz — Fox News Pollster, Mark Foley — Former U.S. Representative (R-FL), Bill McKibben — Environmentalist, Will Cain – Conservative Columnist, CNN contributor


Bill Maher monologue highlights

New jobs numbers came out today. — Yes, unemployment went way down, from 8.1 to 7.8 percent. Of course a lot of this was because of the ever expanding industry of Mitt Romney fact-checkers.

7.8 percent, lowest numbers in three years. Naturally Republicans today said it was a lie, a fake and a conspiracy. They did. The conservative Washington Examiner said unemployed people are claiming they have jobs to make Obama look good — I swear — so he can stay in power and give them more unemployment checks that they will never get because they say they have jobs. Poor people: You are good.

If you missed it, I don’t know if you heard what happened this week, but his [Obama’s] wedding anniversary was Wednesday, and that was the same day as the debate. He apparently had the sex first and was completely spent — had nothing left. And uh, it wound up Romney looked like the big winner and he [Obama] looked like the Big Lebowski — What the fuck happened there? It was fascinating to watching these two men, I mean the contrast in their demeanor. Now we know what Romney looks like when he’s all charged up. And now we know what Michael Jackson looked like when he was on the diprivan. — uneasy audience laughter — You fuck’n liberals. Let me tell you something. You gotta get on the reality page. I’m sorry, he [Obama] sucked. He looked tired, he had trouble getting his answers out. It looks like he took my million [Maher donated one million to the Super PAC supporting Obama] and spent it all on weed. — No really, I have not seen a black man look that disinterested and annoyed since I dragged Chris Rock to that Beach Boys concert. I’m telling you at one point Obama looked so dead, Romney tried to baptize him. I kid Mitt Romney. Hey, it’s “Mormon” in America again.


Highlights from the first segment with Frank Luntz

Bill: Look, it’s widely known that you’re evil, and uh… — laughter —  Well it is. I mean, you’re evil because you think of words to get stupid people to vote against their interests.

(This segment was reasonably entertaining but there was really nothing Frank Luntz said that was worth typing or repeating. I’m sure you understand.)


The panel highlights

Kerry Washington: You know what I think is really amazing: That four years ago there was all of this judgement about him [Obama] being no substance, all style. Right? All enthusiasm, passion and style. Now he shows up [at the debate] with substance and everyone’s like, “Where was the style?”


Will Cain: I think in the never-ending quest to see if America is a racist nation — I’ve got the ultimate trump card in reverse: The President of the United States is black. (Really? Did he just say that?)

Bill Maher: Well that is not the ultimate… You know what?

Will Cain: If America was such racist nation, why is he the president?

Bill Maher: OK, this is called anecdotal. Yes, this is the Tea Party argument: We elected a black guy, racism is over. — One black guy is doing great, I agree. I doesn’t mean racism is over.


Mark Foley: I think, the way he delivers a speech, should have been the same person that showed up for the debate. He has a command of the language, of the issues, and he stayed at home. And he was intimidated by Mitt Romney, which is amazing.

Bill Maher: You’re right, he did look intimidated. — (Maybe, but I seriously doubt he was actually intimidated.) — Mitt Romney looked like the president. I mean, he never answered any of Mitt Romney’s bullshit.

Kerry Washington: I gotta argue with you about that. I hear what you are saying, that Mitt Romney looked strong, that Mitt Romney looked aggressive. But you can’t look presidential when you’re just telling lies. You can’t. (Unfortunately you can since many people don’t know or don’t care if they are lies.)


Bill Maher: What did you think when Mitt Romney mocked it [climate change] at the convention when he made his speech and said “Obama’s going to stop the rise of the oceans”? Whatever.

Bill McKibben: We’ve come through a year when we had the warmest month in American history, July. Warmest month any year, any month. We came through this epic drought in the Midwest that has caused corn and soybean to go up forty percent. Sixty percent of the country is still in a drought disaster area. Uh, you know, we broke the Arctic. Uh, it’s, you know there’s twenty-five percent of the ice that was there forty years ago.

Bill Maher: Why is that bad? I mean, just for people who are doubtful when they hear this…

Bill McKibben: We only have so many major physical features on the planet. You know?

Bill Maher: Right.

Bill McKibben: 4 or 5, you don’t want to just start breaking, that’s why we can’t have nice things.

Bill Maher: But isn’t it also because the ice reflects the sun’s energy back, that if you lose the ice…

Bill McKibben: Yes, you’ve got blue water now, it’s absorbing the sun’s energy. It’s… Jim Hansen at NASA, a climatologist said, two weeks ago he said you know what, you look at these numbers and the only way to say it was now we are in a planetary emergency. And then to have Mitt Romney stand up and say, ah, it’s my laugh line, you know, global…Who on earth would want to be worried about healing the planet, you know? What kind of nonsense is that?


Bill McKibben: You don’t need scientists now to tell you, you just look around at the thermometer. We’ve had 329 months now in a row where the temperature is above the average temperature of the 20th century.


Bill Maher: What would you say to people who would offer the argument that, well, you know, there’s been different planetary changes in the past. “Greenland used to be green.” I hear that all the time. That’s one of the big ones on Fox News.

Bill McKibben: This is what we thought, you know, in the 1980s…is what we were…why when I first wrote this book [in 1989] was the thing that scientists were still figuring out. But scientists figured it out. That’s why we have scientists.


Bill Maher: I read something you wrote — You said, we environmentalists, we are the conservatives. Because we want to live in a world that looks like the world we grew up in.

Bill McKibben: Another way to say it is, nobody ever figured out something more radical to do then alter the chemical composition of the atmosphere. I mean if you were writing the new Bond film, you know, and the villain was like “Give me a trillion dollars or I’m going to alter the chemical composition of the atmosphere.” You’d be like, let’s just go back to nuclear weapons. I mean, that’s too weird, you know. It’s really insane what we are doing.


(talking about affirmative action)

Bill Maher: Isn’t there something to be said, that after slavery, Jim Crow, and racial discrimination – It’s like we all started a race, and three-quarters of the way through the race they said, “ok black people, you can start running now.” And then they’re like ok, everybody’s running so…

Kerry Washington: And by the way, by the way, because one of those guys [Obama] happened to be a really fast runner and beat some of the other people, there’s no need to take care of all the other guys who started late.


Will Cain: Should Havard just accept whoever sends in an application?

Bill Maher: Well Havard accepts a lot of legacy. They don’t seem to be very shy about that. I mean, George Bush got in. Not to, you know, make a cheap joke on George Bush, but if his name was George Bushler, and his father, you know, was the bartender at the 19th hole at the golf club, do you think he would have gotten into Harvard?

Will Cain: By pointing out legacy, all you’ve done is point out two wrongs, and two wrongs don’t make a right.


Mark Foley: I think it [affirmative action] was an important, and continues to be an important goal. Condoleezza Rice just got into Augusta National. And that was almost like, let’s just do this as a token. There’s still racism in this country. There’s still homophobia. So you can’t just say let’s get rid of all these rules and things will go back to being great, because they won’t. There has to be a leveling of the field. Not to suggest because of your [Kerry Washington’s] skin color you get the movie role. It’s bases on your talent…

Kerry Washington: That never happens. — laughter —


New Rules highlights

New Rule: Before beginning any scientific study you must first ask: Does anyone give a shit about what I’m studying? Like a recent study revealed that people who decorate their bedrooms with purple have the most active sex lives. Yes, because only three types of men have purple bedrooms: Pimps, Herman Cain, and the Minnesota Vikings.

New Rule (and this one is for Scott Brown): Repeatedly referring to your debate opponent as “professor” is not a devastating debate zinger when she’s actually a professor. It’s like if Elizabeth Warren called you a failed male model because there’s a picture of you hiding your entire penis behind your wrist.

New Rule: If your sticking a vodka-filled rubber hose in your ass as a way to get drunker, you’ve already had enough to drink.

Real Time with Bill Maher Highlights