Real Time with Bill Maher: Highlights from Episode 256, August 24, 2012

Highlights from Real Time with Bill Maher – Episode 256, August 24, 2012


Arianna Huffington — Publisher-in-Chief, The Huffington Post
Katty Kay — BBC America anchor
Jack Kingston — Representative (R-GA)
Avik Roy — Romney Health Care Advisor
D.L. Hughley — Comedian, author of I Want You to Shut the F#ck Up


Bill Maher Monologue highlights

(regarding the Republican convention)
They’re all going down to Tampa, where an evangelical party is going to nominate a Mormon and a Catholic, and then get wiped out by a hurricane. — applause — Leaving Florida to the Jews as God intended.

(Hurricane contingency plans)
Paul Ryan left early, he’s going to be in Tampa early. Mitt Romney has battened down his hair. And Newt Gingrich said he likes hurricanes — and he looks forward to getting blown behind a dumpster.

Actually Mitt Romney is worried sick about this hurricane – it could ruin everything. Uh, not because of the convention, because it’s heading straight towards the island where he keeps his money.


Arianna Huffington segment highlights

Bill: The pick of Ryan was like in ’08 if Obama had picked Dennis Kucinich. I mean, that’s how far to the extreme he really is in the party. How can the Republicans get away with picking their “Dennis Kucinich,” but when, but if the Democrats tried it, all hell would break lose.

Arianna: I don’t actually think it’s like Dennis Kucinish. I think it’s more like George Clooney. You know, he’s like a bit of a heart-throb, he also looks good without his shirt. When he’s next to Romney, Romney has kind of a twinkle in his eye. But here’s the problem, you know how you fall in love with woman because she’s feisty and independent and has her own views…

Bill: What? (laughter)

Arianna: I”m speaking theoretically. — And then you get married and immediately you want to turn her into a doormat, and that is what’s happened to Paul Ryan. Paul Ryan has become a doormat. Whatever they ask him — the Medicare plan — “I’m on the Romney ticket.” — Um, abortion — “Oh, we don’t want to split hairs among rape and rape” — But he also was the one who co-authored the bill about “forcible rape,” which is another name for “legitimate rape.” So you know, he has all this past, he now, he’s even disowned Ayn Rand, and he’s become this little person who’s following Romney around. — It’s kind of sad.

Bill: Who told you guys were looking for feisty chicks?


The panel highlights

(The Affordable Care Act upheld by Chief Justice Roberts and the Supreme Court)

Bill Maher: But you can’t stay mad at America Jack, you really can’t.

Jack Kingston: No, I was not, I was just worried that he [Justice Roberts] was uh, and the president were conspiring to diminish the great freedom of this country, and that’s the greatest thing we have is the choice. And that was taken away by an individual mandate.

Bill Maher: Well, actually you know this whole idea that we had a government take over, that’s what they always say. That’s what did not happen. That’s called a single payer plan, that’s what all the other modern countries have. — applause — We didn’t have that. We don’t even have a public option. So this idea that there was a government takeover, or we lost our freedom — that actually is bullshit. I mean, let’s be honest.


(Mitt Romney ad claiming Obama has dropped the work requirement and “they [Obama administration] will just send you your welfare check”)

Bill Maher: This has been denounced by, not just every independent organization, saying, you know, usually there is some thread of truth even in a bullshit ad, but we could even find the thread. Even Wolf Blitzer, who never gets involved with the truth,  –applause– the other day called, said that’s actually not true. No, because the facts are the governors requested this. OK, this is something where they wanted to give power back to the states, they gave ’em wavers about the welfare requirement. And you had to require 20% more work, not less. So, um – is this new? — Where you don’t have any thread back to the truth? Where you — cause Mitt Romney keeps saying it.


(A poll that showed Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan getting zero percent of the black vote)

Bill Maher: Did you see that Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan are getting zero percent of the black vote?

D.L. Hughley: Right

Bill Maher: Zero percent

D.L. Hughley: It’s Herman Cain… Herman Cain and, and…

Bill Maher: Michael Steele

(both) That’s it.

D.L. Hughley: I’m not even sure… zero percent.

Bill Maher: Do you have any advice for how they might improve that? — I’ve never heard of zero percent in a poll. I’ve never seen that.


D.L. Hughley: I think actually they can start off — like when you have a party and you want people to come, you invite them.


(Todd Akin “legitimate rape” nonsense)

Bill Maher: You mentioned Mr. Akin, he has this theory, uh, that woman cannot babify if their mystical spermicide is in use. Um, I have my own theory, which is that, I just don’t think a lot of Republicans like it when single women have sex. –applause– Uh, we saw this earlier in the year with with this flap over Sandra Fluke and so forth. Uh, we heard Rick Santorum during the campaign say, “contraception is not ok.” I mean, I’m not paraphrasing, those were his words, “not ok.” Pleasure fucking, not good. You know, I just think that these, a lot of these people on the Right like it when there’s a cost to having sex. They were not for the HPV vaccine, same reason. That’s why they don’t want to cover birth control. They just never got used to this idea in modern America that it’s ok, if it feels good do it — they just don’t like that. So, it’s a fig leaf on top of it, but that’s really what it’s all about — “You’re living in my boarding house now, and you will not have sex.”

later in the conversation…

D.L. Hughley: What I never got was – What exactly was he apologizing for? I never understood what he apologized for. Because he said he misspoke, but he said exactly what was on his mind. Is he sorry for being caught saying it? Is he sorry that he believes… He believes this. A 63-year-old man believes the shit that I believed when I was a boy, and he’s in charge of lives.

later again…

Bill Maher: What he was saying which that, you know what, if you get pregnant from a rape, your in a different category then if you don’t. It’s kind of like old Salem when they put the witches in the lake and if they floated they were innocent, and if they drowned they were guilty.


(Why are we still in Afghanistan?)

D.L. Hughley: I think it’s people lacking the political courage to pull out and say enough is enough. And I think it’s a shame that young men and women are dying in a war that is unnecessary, unsustainable, and nobody even knows why we are doing it anymore.


D.L. Hughley: Listen, this [Americans going on with their lives] is America at war right now. This is us, we go to dinner, we get on planes, when they [soldiers] get on planes everyone stands up and claps, or they pretend like they care. But if they cared, we would do something about it. If it’s not enough to have people in harms way, because nobody has the balls to say enough is enough.

Bill Maher: I always say this — Whenever you attack the war, people on the Right will say you know, “you need to support the troops.” To me, supporting the troops, would be working tirelessly to get them out of this pointless stalemate. That would be supporting them.


New Rules highlights

New Rule: Don’t campaign for Vice President of the United States with your mommy. This doesn’t make me think, “Hey, that guy must like Medicare – there’s an old lady he’s not killing.” — It makes me think, “Oh look, Madonna has a new back-up dancer.”

And finally, New Rule: No one in America can waste another second thinking about Todd Akin and his theory that you can’t get pregnant unless your eggs are asking for it. Here’s the only thing you need to know about Todd Akin and human anatomy: He’s an asshole. –laughter–

Now, what I want to talk about tonight is how it is not a coincidence that the party of fundamentalism is also the party of fantasy. When I say religion is a mental illness, this is what I mean. If you believe in angels and demons and Jesus riding a dinosaur, it’s not that big a leap to believe in tiny ninja warriors that woman have in their body, to lie in wait for bad people’s sperm. –laughter– Republicans would like to pretend like Congressman Akin’s substitution of superstition for science is a lone problem, but it’s not — they’re all magical thinkers, on nearly every issue.

They don’t get their answers on climate change from climatologists, they get them from the Book of Genesis. Or take the issue that consumes the Right these days, the deficit. They’re fervent in their desire to reduce it. But they want to do so in some magical fashion, that doesn’t involve raising taxes or cutting spending. When given a choice in polls, between these two options – raise taxes, cut spending – a majority of Republicans check: none of the above – as a way to reduce the deficit. Which is like deciding to pay off your student loans by daydreaming. –laughter–

Or remember supply side economics? The theory where you actually bring in more revenue by bringing in less. Reagan believed it, but at least that was in the 80s when it was new. Thing is, we tried it, and we know it doesn’t work. Yet Paul Ryan, which every shit-for-brains pundit in America keeps telling us is a serious guy, still believes it. All the Republican do. They all believe in something that both math and history have shown to be pure fantasy. The symbol for their party shouldn’t be an elephant it should be a unicorn. –laughter– (not the complete final New Rule)

Real Time with Bill Maher Highlights

#abortion#Affordable Care Act#Afghanistan#Arianna Huffington#Avik Roy#Bill Maher#D.L. Hughley#Jack Kingston#Katty Kay#poll#rape#Real Time#religion#Republican convention#Todd Akin#war#welfare