September 16, 2014 by David K. Sutton
America, Land Of The Humane Executioner, Home Of The Meek Practitioner Of War
I apologize in advance. — Okay, that's a lousy national anthem lyric, so instead of trying to write a song that embodies America, I will simply tell you that we need to bomb ISIS (from the air mind you, otherwise we might have to call this a war). Now that's America! And then after we are done bombing them up their stupid asses, and I mean really reaming them good, then we should arm the "moderate" rebels in Syria, because fuck, we are America, and God damn it, we are brave motherfucker! So no ground troops for us! How about this: If we are going to fight a war, how about we fight a fucking war! I mean, shit, we can't even call it a war! We are such weak assholes (and yes, that includes you)! So we should fight a real war. That means we should reinstitute the draft, and the people calling for war should be first in line, and then we should put boots on the ground, and then we will fight this war that we have convinced ourselves is justified while simultaneously believing it will make no difference. Funny, I see a parallel here with the populace stance on capital punishment. In both cases we talk tough, but our bravery ends with our rhetoric. Proponents argue the death penalty is a necessary deterrent, but we should be sure to exercise this ultimate form of punishment humanely. I say that again, make sure you kill people "humanely." M'kay? Well, set aside for a moment the inconvenient fact that there is no humane way for the state to kill another human being as a form of punishment, I say if we are going to have a death penalty, we take it seriously and do it right. If we are going to be advocates of death, then fuck humane, I say we sharpen the guillotine and polish the bullets. After all, with our current methods of capital punishment, we have people spitting, pissing, and shitting themselves while receiving a (mostly) deadly jolt of electricity or a (mostly) lethal cocktail of drugs. I fail to see how those methods are more humane then a bullet to the head or a clean separation of head from body. And while we are at it, doing our killing, murdering and executing and all, I say we start beheading people on death row and submitting the videos to ISIS for review. Too much? Okay, maybe we can just send them a tape of our current "humane" forms of execution. Because we are model citizens, and America is the moral authority.