May 21, 2013 by David K. Sutton
Every Christmas Season I Think, ‘When Will This War End?’
No, no, no! Not the Iraq War. Not the Afghanistan War. I’m talking about the “War on Christmas.” — If I suddenly lost all sense of logic and reason and found myself part of the religious and extremist right-wing flock, maybe this would speak to me?…
Every Christmas season I think to myself — There are just not enough Christmas decorations. There are not enough Christmas lights. There are not enough Christmas songs. There are not enough Christmas commercials. I feel like Christmas is fading away. It’s almost like it doesn’t exist anymore. The godless secular heathens have destroyed a once great holiday with their “War on Christmas.” I know there is a war against Santa Claus because Fox News tells me so. You don’t believe me? Well, I’m here to tell you Fox News “informs” me about many important things I should “know.” And besides, Bill O’Reilly has that “No Spin Zone,” which is like a written guarantee on an already trustworthy source of facts, knowledge and reason.
It’s like Tommy Boy once said, “I can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking my head up a bull’s ass, but I’d rather stick it up my own ass instead,” or, um, uh, some shit like that. “Fool me once, shame on – shame on you. Fool me – you can’t get fooled again.” Yeah, that’s it!
So thank God the lawmakers in the great and holy state of Texas had the bravery to pass the “Merry Christmas Bill.” This legislation represents the front line defense against the War on Christmas. I’ve got my gun at my side and I will no longer tolerate devil worshiping secular assholes telling me how this great country was formed, with crazy ideas like separation of church and state. We will take back the country from those who dare say it’s not a Christian nation.
– Bizarro Me
Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I’d like a godless heathen, any will do, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy secular slumber over there on Devil Lane with all the other godless people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol?
Oh yeah, and a Merry Christmas to all from a compassionate Christian!
The postscript is adapted from Clark’s loving sentiments about his boss in 1989’s “Christmas Vacation.”