Highlights from Real Time with Bill Maher
Episode 262, October 12, 2012
Guests: Ben Affleck, actor — Ann Coulter, conservative author — Darrell Issa, congressman (R-CA) — Brian Schweitzer, governor (D-MT) — Sheila Bair, former FDIC chair & author
Bill Maher monologue highlights
Look how happy old grandpa Joe Biden made the liberals. Right? That’s why you’re in this kind of mood, because last night he ate little Eddie Munster’s lunch.
I have not seen an old Catholic guy give it to a young Catholic guy like that since… — since I was an altar boy, anyway…
You could tell that Joe Biden won this debate because all the whining on the right today about how Joe Biden was rude . He’s so rude. Didn’t your mother ever tell you “never interrupt someone when they’re lying”? Yes, it’s somehow a controversy that he was smiling and laughing. Oh the laughing. Very inappropriate. Very disrespectful. What? I thought it was completely appropriate. Yes. Yes. JB finds the GOP’s BS LOL. But whatever it did, it worked. I thought it was awesome. During the whole debate I kept thinking to myself, “boy, I hope he keeps that very nice sleepy black guy on the ticket. I really do.” Oh fuck you. You know what, it’s still…I am still not over that last debate and how Obama performed. I have not seen a Democratic president look that complacent and entitled, uh, since Clinton made Monica blow him when he was on the phone.
Liberals were freaking out this week. They were borderline suicidal, which is tough on them, you know, when you lock yourself in the garage with the Prius running, nothing happens.
Isn’t it amazing, all “moderate” Mitt had to do was change his long-held views on everything that he’s ever said. Now he believes whatever you believe and the polls show we like that. Forget integrity, forget courage, what we want is a president who is one hundred percent our bitch. One example, Mitt Romney, he was against gay rights, then he was form them, now he’s against them again. Or as it’s known in political circles: The Anderson Cooper 360.
Highlights from the first segment with Ann Coulter
Bill: Let’s plug your book, because you wandered into a controversial thicket here, race. And who would know better about that than a blonde girl from Connecticut?
Bill: No, you have every right to comment as we all do. I’m just going to quote some of the things, your thesis seems to be, after the 1964 Civil Rights Act, we became, race was over. I mean, the problem of race in America, except for what liberals didn’t do.
Ann: Real racism was over, but racial demagoguery suddenly became huge as liberals started fighting ghosts because they were AWOL during the real civil rights battles.
(Is this more of the confusion between Democrats and liberals from Ann? Democrats were AWOL during much of the civil rights battles leading up to the 1960s, because well, Democrats were the party of southern white racists up until that time. The liberals who championed civil rights up to that time were typically Republicans. However, and Ann would like you to forget this minor detail, the parties shifted from the 1960s to present day when the Democratic party embraced civil rights as part of its platform. All the southern white racists were welcomed with open arms into the increasingly conservative Republican Party. So get your facts straight Ann.)
The panel highlights
Brian Schweitzer: Congressman [Darrell Issa], you voted to go to war in Iraq under false pretenses. Forty-five hundred men and women in uniform from the United States are dead. One hundred thousand are wounded. And you have decided not to investigate why they told us there were weapons of mass destruction. Investigate that. (This was in response to Issa’s investigation into the Libya consulate attack, and the Obama administration response.)
Bill Maher: They’re trying to make “Benghazi-gate,” which is a dumb word for it because we obviously didn’t have a gate. They’re [Republicans] trying to make that [Libyan consulate attack] the equivalent of Iranian hostage situation in ’79 because that way, Obama is Carter and Mitt Romney is Reagan.
Bill Maher: Joe Biden it seemed to me last night, did what a lot of Democrats have been waiting for a Democrat to do, which is, look like he was from a different party. The problem with Obama in the first debate was that he was Republican-lite. You know, he was just a slightly more compassionate conservative. Many times during the debate when Mitt Romney said something, Obama went “me too.” And this is the problem we’ve had with Democrats for many, many years. I think back to Al Gore.
Brian Schweitzer: Here’s the mistake that Biden made. The mistake that Biden made was answering any of the questions with just a yes or a no and yielding his time to Ryan. Because Ryan has never had enough time to explain his budget to the American people. Those ninety minutes would have been a great opportunity for him to tell how he’s going to cut Pell Grants, cut Medicare, cut Medicaid.
Bill Maher: You had a big problem with bailing out the banks.
Sheila Bair: I did. I didn’t like it. I say in my book, it was the most distasteful thing I ever did, and it still is, and it still troubles me. I think in 2008 we were in a crisis situation so, we didn’t have a playbook, so we just threw a lot of money at it.
Bill Maher: I’ve said this before, but I think places where there are not women, you know like Penn State, uh, and the Catholic church, you know, and the Mosques — and Wall Street is a boys club — always go to shit.
Sheila Bair: Well that’s true. Women are more risk averse. I think there was a lot of group think. There wasn’t enough diversity…
Ben Affleck: The stock market is back to where it was. The banks are back to where they were. Homeowners who have lost a ton of equity. Investors who have lost a lot of equity. Let me ask you something, do you think Dodd-Frank [Wall Street regulation] goes far enough?
Sheila Bair: Well look, Dodd-Frank is really a delegation of authority to regulators. Regulators have to implement it. Dodd-Frank gives regulators the ability, actually the mandate to break up “too big to fail” institutions. It says specifically in the statute, if they can’t prove that they can resolved in bankruptcy if they fail without hurting the rest of us, then they’re supposed to be broken up now. But regulators aren’t really using those authorities. I mean the implementation of Dodd-Frank is very slow, only about thirty percent of the rules have been completed. They missed something like eighty-four deadlines, eighty-four percent of the deadlines.
Bill Maher: Where is most of the money going to? Defense. And Mitt Romney made this big speech this week about how we have to get tough on China, and Syria, and Iraq, and Iran, and everywhere we’re going to have more people, we’ll stay in Afghanistan longer. A policy called “What the fuck are you looking at?” Basically, is what he wants. He wants a defense that’s so strong, foreigners die just looking at a picture of it. — The Republican point of view, it seems like government outside of defense has to be drowned in the bathtub, everything just has to go. But defense, blank check. Infinity.
Bill Maher: Mitt Romney always says we shouldn’t borrow from China to pay for this… We’re borrowing from China to fight China.
Ben Affleck: Our contest with China is this sick, sad, terrible, self-defeating circle where we borrow a lot of money so we can buy their cheap bullshit at Wal-Mart.
Brian Schweitzer: And God bless Eisenhower who warned before he left office that the military industrial complex will spend us into oblivion if we let ‘em.
Ben Affleck: The thing about Sesame Street is, and public television is, if you don’t have a lot of money, that’s where you get your early childhood development. And if you don’t have early childhood development, you don’t grow up very smart, and you can’t get a job, and you can’t become a doctor, and you can’t start a business.
New Rules highlights
TEX AND THE CITY
New Rule: The next guy who bitches to me that gas in Lubbock [Texas] is a buck cheaper than it is in L.A. has to move to Lubbock.
YACK LIKE ME
New Rule: With a heartfelt “feel better” to Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber, now that we know throwing up on stage makes popular celebrities even more popular, President Obama must try it.
New Rule: If I’m waiting for your parking space, and you hop in your car and proceed to start texting, I get to ram you.
BLAINE AND SUFFERING
New Rule: Magician David Blaine, whose feats include spending sixty-three hours encased in ice, and thirty-five hours on top of a tower, and seventy-two hours surrounded by electrical current, must admit that his main talent is pretty much standing around. And his next stunt must be titled, In Line for an iPhone.
New Rule: If you drink bacon-flavored vodka out of meat shot glasses with cheese swizzle sticks, you don’t have to say the Pledge of Allegiance, you’re already as American as you could possibly get. Also, the proper toast when you’re drinking bacon booze out of a meat glass isn’t “down the hatch,” it’s, “here comes Honey Boo Boo.”
And finally, New Rule: I don’t expect the far-right Christian group Focus on the Family to agree with me on everything, or even anything, but they do have to answer one question: If you’re doing God’s work, and God is perfect, how come you’re always wrong? Is the problem that you can’t follow instructions or is Jesus just dicking you around? Now, I bring this up because in 2008 Focus on the Family tried to frighten their vast mailing list of snake handlers and early onset dementia patients by sending out a letter with a set of predictions about what our great nation would look like if we elected that evil Count Chocula as our president. And of the thirty-four predictions they made, they got right exactly none. 0 for 34. So I’m just saying, they claim to work for God, but for some reason they’re always wrong, and it’s always a disaster. It’s like if every time you tried to put together some bunk beds from Ikea, you died and woke up in hell blowing a guy named Sven. (not the entire final New Rule)
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